The Night's Black Canvas

In the peace of night, while the rest of the world enjoys the stillness of nocturnal repose, I find myself staring at the darkest canvas known to man. With nothing but moon light beaming through, I wonder if you ever had your mind become the enemy of your own peace. Many nights I would stand before this dark canvas and start painting. Each stroke becomes more vibrant and more passionate than before & a line turning into a picture which turns to a story. When the painting is completed, I stand back completely awestruck that my marriage is one colourful & messy, beautiful yet chaotic rollercoaster. Moments of breath-taking beauty and times where it felt like near-death experiences that left me wondering if our marriage would ever survive.

I have realized that we seem to focus on something we have no control over. We end up working hard at connecting with our significant other by cracking jokes, buying gifts, planning dates….. Hoping it would rekindle a past flame. It is hard, communicating every single day to your person, then one day, they just disappear. Still physically around, yet emotionally they have already tapped out. Desperation then starts to consume you and you’re trying to hold on tight, but its like sand slipping through fingers and your version of reality starts to resonate. Are you losing your person? And that thought starts to paralyze you to the point where all other priorities become at a standstill. Even yourself….So what do you do?

Here’s the thing though – through my eyes: Real talk:

I believe happiness is a personal thing, you know? I can’t rely on my partner to make me happy. I gotta create it for myself. We pressurize our loved ones too much, expecting them to be the source of our joy and that isn’t fair. We need to take ownership of our own happiness. You decided to share your happiness with your partner through marriage, but you can’t hand over the reins once you’ve tied the knot. It is a delicate balance, understand? Sharing your life with someone, but not losing yourself in the process.

I know some of you are thinking, “But what if my partner is the reason I am unhappy?”

My personal response would be, what is making you stay? If happiness is personal, you need to assess the reason why you are with your partner. Is it love, fear, comfort or something else? I know it is a tough one but go ahead and explore the 5 W’s on your midnight canvas:

>Who:  focus on yourself and your feelings in the relationship

>What: the situation that is causing the unhappiness in the relationship

>When: consider the time factor of when last you were truly happy

>Where: the direction you see the marriage going

>Why: what unmet questions, unheard feelings are the underlying reasons for this?

 I like to think of marriage as a wheel. At times up, then down, but you don’t have control over how the wheel is turning, all you know is that you are moving forward. It is when the wheel is losing air, attention is required for it to continue moving forward. To this I say, when in doubt – let joy be the air that fills your wheel! Find happiness in the now so you know firstly, remember what happiness feels like, and secondly, so you can identify what truly makes you happy. It doesn’t help pondering on what might/might not happen in the future. So go ahead… paint your canvas, find yourself, and own your happiness!